In the Dying Of The Light
by Medie
Summary: None of it means anything...I tried...It just...It goes away... JD post ep for The Light


Title: In The Dying Of The Light

Author: M

Rating: PG-13

Keywords: AU, Established Relationship, Post Ep, Jack/Daniel, slash.

Series: Nope

Spoilers: For The Light

Disclaimers: Don't own them. Wish I did!

Author's Note: For crystaldesire! Merry C-Mas! thanks to debc for skimming it and giving the ok.

"In The Dying Of The Light"  
by M.

_None of it means anything..._

_I tried..._

_It just..._

_It goes away..._

They were in the middle of making dinner when Jack spoke. "What'd you mean earlier?"

Daniel - in the midst of testing the sauce - paused and looked over, confusion on his face. The effect should have been comical, him standing over the stove, wooden spoon almost touching his lips, blinking owlishly at Jack but...

It wasn't.

Jack wasn't laughing. The image of Daniel on the balcony, the words he'd despondently murmured...he couldn't get it out of his head. He'd tried everything but everytime he closed his eyes, there Daniel was, looking out at the skyline...about to jump. It didn't fail to send a chill racing through him and no matter how many times Jack told himself it'd been that damned machine...

He couldn't make himself believe it. Not entirely. He remembered being under that thing's control too and...Part of it...

Part of it had really been him and that meant...

Putting down the bottle of wine, he reached out to take the spoon away from Daniel and repeated his question. "What'd you mean? That stuff you said?" He nodded his head in the direction of the balcony. "You said it all goes away. What does? What goes away? C'mon, Daniel, share..."

"Ah..." Daniel straightened up, taking off his glasses and swiping at the lenses with the corner of his shirt. One of his favorite stalling tactics for conversations he didn't want to have. Jack knew that one well enough to know that quicksilver brain of his was scrambling to come up with a way out. He knew it so well he could practically see the different options as Daniel considered, debated, and ultimately rejected them. Humor. Out. Conversation was too heavy a subject. It'd fall flat. Sex. Same thing. No easy way to shift into a seductive mode. Technobabble, also out. Nothing much technical about spaghetti and meatballs. So that left...

Ah yes. Bullshit. The ultimate old standby and one that the good Dr. Jackson practically had another doctorate in. Most days, it was a skill Jack admired.

Not today.

So, rather than let him launch into the traditional, 'I was under alien influence' answer...Jack pointed at him with the spoon. "Forget it. That one's not gonna work with me."

"What isn't?" Daniel frowned, the frown he knew Jack thought was cute. Damned manipulative when he wanted to be. Steeling himself, Jack scowled and jabbed at the air with the spoon.

"You know what. The "Gee, Jack, I don't know, that alien whatchamacallit had my brain chemistry all fried to hell and I was so screwed up, I didn't know what I was saying -- ask Janet, she'll back me up." answer." Jack stepped forward, trapping Daniel in the corner, hands resting on the counter top. "She would back you up. She'd spout all kinds of technical medical bullshit at me until she had me so turned around I'd think you were entering menopause but, the fact of it is Daniel, she hasn't got your number. I, however, have every single one." He glared. "Now...what were you talking about?"

"It doesn't matter, Jack." Daniel assured quietly, reaching out to rest a palm on his chest. "It really doesn't."

"Yes, Daniel, it does." His lover insisted stubbornly. "Whatever was going on in your head, that machine might've pushed to the surface but it was already in there and like it or not? You are going to tell me." He jerked his head back as Daniel tried to sneak in a kiss. "Nah huh, answers. Now. Kisses later."

The sigh Daniel heaved sounded as if it'd started in his feet and worked its way out. "Jack..."

Cupping the other man's face in his palm, Jack met his gaze seriously. "C'mon..."

"I wasn't thinking clearly, Jack." Daniel protested, hand going to the other man's, fingers curling around it and bringing it down. Rather than release it, he held tight, as if afraid Jack would pull away. "I mean...it wasn't rational..." He swallowed hard, bringing his glasses up and pushing them back on. "It..." He sighed again then finally blurted, "Everything that matters to me...I lose. Everything." He shook his head, looking away at some point over Jack's shoulder. "It doesn't matter what it is or who it is...I lose it." His voice was barely audible as he spoke the words but Jack heard every bit of it loud and clear. Painfully so.

"Daniel..."

His name became a benediction on Jack's lips but Daniel wasn't hearing it. He'd made the decision to speak and now it was flooding out. "Everything...My parents, Nick, my foster parents, my career...Sha're...all of it. Sooner or later...It blows apart and I'm right back where I started. Alone...with nothing." He smiled, a bitter and self-mocking smile. "It's practically routine. Everything goes to hell? No big deal. Just move on to the next thing. Pick up and keep going...To borrow a phrase, just suck it up and move on. Big of me, don't you think?" He shook his head again. "Like I said, Jack, it's irrational...things you bury that deep can't really be expected to make sense. Besides, it's not like I'm not used to it. I just...That thing started working on me, the effects of it kicked in and all I could think about was that. I couldn't get it out of my head and then I started wondering..." He set his jaw and looked Jack square in the face. "How long before I lose you too? You, the SGC, the others...how long before I'm right back where I started?"

There were tears lurking in his eyes but Daniel stubbornly refused to acknowledge them and Jack knew he wasn't welcome to either. He also knew there was no point in reassuring Daniel. He wouldn't hear it and he couldn't make any promises anyway. Even Daniel's irrational fears were ones he had good reason for and Jack cursed inwardly. He was not going to make empty promises. He was not. It wouldn't do any good. He couldn't promise something wouldn't happen, the chances were good something could, and would happen. He wouldn't put Daniel through that. Promising nothing would and then having it happen...

He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't make that guarantee. He couldn't. He wouldn't. But he did pull Daniel into his arms, turning his face toward his neck. He inhaled the lightly spicy scent of the archaeologist's aftershave and couldn't resist pressing a kiss to the warm skin. He wasn't good at this stuff. The emotional stuff. That was Daniel's forte. Daniel was the one who made him talk, who made sense of their relationship, Daniel did the hard stuff. Jack did the orgasms. It was, by his estimation, a pretty equal trade. They each had their role and they did it pretty damn well...except now. Now it was switched and Jack was remembering exactly why he didn't do the emotional stuff. He sucked at it and not in the good way either. He knew he couldn't make that kind of a promise to Daniel. He wouldn't make a promise that he couldn't be sure he'd keep.

"Okay, here's the deal." He said finally, pulling back to meet Daniel's gaze. "I up and die on you, you've got my official permission to kick my decomposing ass, got it?"

Daniel gave him a look Jack knew only too well. It was the look he got everytime he got caught monkeying around with some thousand year old vibrator or whatever the heck Daniel left lying around the lab. "Jack..."

"Inappropriate humor is my specialty, Daniel." He interjected with a gently teasing look. "I can fit it in anywhere." Thus said, he did finally kiss him, taking his time in doing so. "No empty promises, not from me. But...if I have any say in the matter, I'm not going anywhere." He hugged him close again, again turning his face toward the soft, skin of Daniel's neck. The tangible feel of his skin, the warmth of it...He wouldn't let himself picture where Daniel had very nearly ended up. He couldn't. The image of Daniel lying broken and bleeding on the pavement below would be one that would never leave him if he allowed it into his mind and he wouldn't. He couldn't anymore than he could promise Daniel something he couldn't guarantee. It would do nothing but haunt them in the future...and they'd both been haunted far too much in their lives. "I can't guarantee anything, Daniel. It's the job but..."

"I know." The other man responded, his answer mumbled into the fabric of Jack's shirt. His grip tightened as he pressed into the hug, making Jack take just a single step backward to keep his balance. "Believe me," he said louder, lifting his face and resting his chin on his lover's shoulder. "I know there's no way to promise, Jack. That's the hard part. There's no way. I just..." He pulled away enough that he could look into Jack's face. "I didn't want anything to matter this much anymore...and now that it does..."

"Yeah..." Jack nodded once, his hand brushing along Daniel's jawline. "Now that it does..."

"I don't want to lose this..." Daniel confessed quietly. "I don't want to lose us."

The statement put Jack right back where he'd been only moments before. What little progress he'd made seemed to vanish. He couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen, that one of them - him probably given the rather awful habit he had of landing himself in shit up to his neck - ended up not coming back...there was a pretty decent chance it could. But he wasn't about to leave Daniel in that place either. He couldn't let him anymore than he could promise him it wouldn't happen. Talk about a friggin' rock and a hard place.

Without a word in his head as to what to say, he leaned in and kissed Daniel. It wasn't a kiss meant to lead to anything else, though it probably would since they brought whole new meaning to the phrase 'like bunnies', it wasn't meant to end the conversation, though it probably would as per the aforementioned bunnies, it wasn't meant to be any of that. So, of course it was. But, it was more than that. It was a promise he could never make in words, wouldn't dare make in words. Jack didn't know why, or how, but he knew without a doubt that no matter what happened...what they had, they couldn't lose. Through death. Through anything. He couldn't say it in words but he said it nonetheless.

And, somehow, like everything with them...It was enough.

Finis


End file.
